Cautious, but hopeful…

I think everything is going to be okay…. Squeeze (I’ll call him that since its weirdly appropriate 🙂 ) and I have not had “the big talk” as yet. Mainly because I’m too scared to bring it up, however, things seem to be alright. We spent lots of time together this weekend (muhahahahahaha – still smiling – silly rabbit!!) and had a really good time.

I think Squeeze has a couple of “issues” that he is working out in his own way. Having researched the topic with several (unconnected to either of us) male friends I have discovered that boys dont talk to each other about girls the way girls talk to each other about boys. If they did, Squeeze would be getting nothing but positive feedback about me from his male friends (bonus! 🙂 and therefore I don’t think there would be any problem. He is basically shy (not that you would think that, listening to him talk, but take it from me – hes shy), he is also insecure about himself. I am doing everything in my power to make him feel good about himself – Heres the beauty part, I dont have to LIE, because I genuinely think that s great, so its easy.

This is what we did this weekend. (So sad….but suck it up gentle reader, and be happy for me dammit!!!)

Friday night: Dinner, movie, sleepover

Saturday (daytime): Went and looked at cars (Evening) dinner & comedy show.

Sunday: nothing, buts thats cool – we both had things to do.

Squeeze appears to be taking the whole thing very seriously, which is unusual for him. So, I’m inclined to take that as a good omen. Still, trying not to build myself up for a big fall.

I rather suspect he is too… 

Appropriate – given the circumstances

This a quote from a movie called “Chasing Amy”, which I haven’t seen, but which is apparently pretty cool. In my current circumstances, I think this says everything I wish I had the nerve to say to the gentleman concerned….

“I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn’t allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I’ll accept that. But I know… I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that – and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. There isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can’t deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me.”

God help me……………

Why me??

Sorry in advance – but I did warn you…

Several months ago, out of the blue, a good friend of mine, who I have known for years and years, took it upon himself to take our relationshp onto another level. This was a complete curveball, as I had no idea that he had ever even thought of me in “that” way. After some initial hesitation on my part, I thought “why the hell not!” because truthfully, the more I thought about it, the more perfect the whole deal seemed to be. He likes me, I like him, we are very comfortable in each others company, I would trust him with my life etc, etc.

We haven’t “dated” in any formalised sense of the word, we just hang out together a lot. And, I’ll tell you the truth here, its nice. Comfortable. Safe. The trouble is, although we are more than “just good friends” I wouldn’t wouldn’t describe us as boyfriend and girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like too, but I can’t. There is a lot of cuddling going on…but thats about it. Which is fine – I’m not a raving nymphomaniac – but its a bit confusing, and I’m starting to get really upset by it. If he has decided that he doesn’t like me “that” way, why doesn’t he say so? Why does he automatically bunk in with me rather than sleep in the spare room when he stays over (which is at least one night a week)? I don’t want to have this out with him because I really like him, and I don’t want to scare him off totally, but I wish I knew where I stand.

I don’t think I’m putting any pressure on him, at least I’m trying not to. But maybe he does feel pressurised by external forces since just about everybody we know thiks its a brilliant idea, and why didn’t we do something about it sooner etc.

My ex – the drunken, woman beating, thieving, lying, son of a bitch (who got married last August, thank you for asking) told me while we were breaking up that “nobody else will ever want you now, you’re to old, fat, ugly and used” and goddamn him, he was right. The injustice of this, has spiraled me io one of the blackest depressions of my life. He is the most outright bastard I have ever met. He spent 8 years making my life a living hell. I forgave what I could and tried to help him – he was an addict, it is an illness, and I was reared not to turn my back on a sick man. It took a long time for me to realise that he was an outright fucker, drunk or sober, and make the subsequent decision to get him out of my life. I lost friends, my dog, my dignity and if I hadn’t been too cowardly to go through with it, I would have lost my life. He has managed to move on, get treatment for his disease, meet someone new and get married within 2 years of our breakup. In the meantime my life has stood still and stagnated. I’ve been on the brink of losing everything I had, I’ve been too terrified to go out, I’ve cried, and cried and wished for death. And now, just when I thought everything was starting to work itself out, and an ideal man who respects me presents himself – I’ve managed to screw that up too.

Karmically speaking, I can’t figure out what I’ve done to deserve all this shit. I’m not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve always tried to do the right thing, help people out where I can, because, although I don’t subscribe to a religion as such, I do believe that what goes around, comes around. Is my heartache disproportonate? Am I feeling unduly martyred by it all? Am I being utterly selfish by wanting to be happy?

This post has gone off in an unexpected direction, and I’m sorry. To get back on topic, I’ve decided not to see my friend for a while, let things die a natural death, if thats what he wants. I don’t want him to feel emotionally blackmailed into being with someone that he doesn’t want. (I probably should have pointed out earlier, 3 years ago now, when I took bastard ex from hell the last of his possessions from my house, it was actually my new friend that met him, and did the handover.)

Maybe, we were doomed before it ever began.

Apologies, once more, for a long and boring post.

Home Improvement

With the long overdue arrival of Ikea in Northern Ireland, I have decided to take the plunge and replace my Kitchen. (Well, the one currently in place has been there since my parents built this house and it is neither asethetically pleasing or functional). Adam and I went to the store on Tuesday to have a look, since the website doesn’t really give you any idea of what the various styles will look like in situ.

I have decided on the Fagerland kitchen, which has a strange tutonic ring to it…Ve hav vays of making you cook etc. :), though, at present anyway, I have no plans for starting up a home based destistry/torture business. I had planned on taking myself off to the caribbean fo a two week holiday this year, however, on reflection, the money will be much better spent this way. The only downside is that Colin will not be back from Australia in time to take part in the demolition of the old ruin, which is a shame, as I know he was particularly looking forward to it. (My dearest friends and I delight in the gentle art of smashng things to bits with sledgehammers). However, this way, when he does come home later in the year, at least I will be equipped to entertain in style 🙂

I will actually be knocking my current Kitchen and Dining Room into one, with the plan that I will effectively “live” in this room and my main sitting room will be what is known in Norn Iron parlance as my “good” room. Well, thats the plan anyway. Time will tell as to what actually happens. Why not go along to www.ikea.com have a gander and let me know what you think.

Today I am going to go out and get myself a wee sketchbook to start scrapbooking ideas for decor for the new room, although it is likely that I will try to co-ordinate it with the scheme I have in my sitting room (which is dark red and cream). I also need to source wall and floor tiles, and soft furnishings, in addition to a flat panel TV ………… 🙂 🙂 🙂

Project updates as they happen  

Episode IV – A New Hope

Well, well, well…. here we go again eh?

I havent really had much computer access for the last 7 months, hence the demise of BGBB – I also had the awful feeling that my security had been compromised, so I couldn’t really be as frank in my blogging as I would like to, and since thats the whole bloody point of these things I thought it best to suspend my activities in the meantime.

Anyhooo… I have the house and the computer to myself once more, so I thought I would start all over again with a clean slate.

So, whats been happening in the interim? I will try to summarise as quickly as possible….

1. LO – dead loss! never to be mentioned again – The notion left me as quickly as it started in the end… Feelings on the gentleman concerned have gone from pity to contempt in the blinking of an eye… (girls – we’re complicated).

2. Love life – confusing – much more to come on this topic I fear 🙂

3. Work – Same shit, different year – will probably have a rant on this issue from time to time.

4. General wellbeing – Very good actually, could I be mellowing with age????

Thats it in a nutshell folks Will write more when feeling suitably inspired.

Its good to be back 🙂